Anti-depressant

Anti-depressant... it's a touchy subject I've found. So many people feel that you're weak if you take one or that you don't have enough faith in the Savior to help you overcome your trials. Actually, I used to think that too. Well, I had Elijah, baby #4, and for the first time in my life, I was majorly depressed. Oh how I fought it and fought it and prayed and prayed and kept telling myself that I would overcome it. I did that for 2 whole years. It was a tough time for me and the family. Finally, I got pregnant with Ezra, #5. We were going through some major things in our life with the house we were living in and we moved in with my parents and life was chaos! I had Ezra and was feeling absolutely awful. Living with my parents actually helped me and they helped me keep my spirits up, but inside, I was fighting some major demons. While living in Oroville, I became very anti-social, had high anxiety about doing simple tasks, cried all the time, and I just felt like a zombie. I thought, well, maybe it's because we're all crammed in this little room and I felt like I was using my parents. So once we moved out and finally bought our first home, I thought things would change. But I got worse. I was literally a zombie for the first month in our home. I didn't unpack, I didn't talk to any of my PL friends, I didn't go to any activities, I stayed clear from the kids' school and avoided people at all cost. I didn't feel happiness, and for the most part, I didn't feel anger, until the 2nd week of Dec. I found myself yelling all the time at the kids over absolutely nothing. And when people would ask me how I liked our house, I would reply, it's alright. They would always give me a strange look after I said that. Then one day, the kids dropped a few pieces of paper on the floor and didn't pick them up. I screamed so loud at them that it even scared me. I ran back into our clothes room and dropped to my knees and cried and prayed and asked Heavenly Father what was wrong with me. I had a comforted feeling come over me and thoughts came to my mind that I needed to take an anti-depresssant. So I got up, e-mailed my OB/GYN, whom is also a friend of ours and has known us for the past 9 years, and told him exactly what I was feeling and asked him what I should do. He suggested Zoloft and ordered the prescription for me. It came in the mail 3 days later and by that time, I once again had convinced myself that I didn't need them and was convinced I could overcome this through my faith and prayer. After 2 weeks of just pure ups and downs I got to the point where I realized again that I needed help. But I was scared. So scared! I was nursing and what would the Zoloft do to my baby? Would he get sick from it? Would my milk supply be ok? How would I react to it? So I prayed like crazy about it and the thought that came to me was to call an old friend of mine. I e-mailed this friend and she just happened to be on a road trip to California. So she called me and she gave me some amazing advice. And her husband is a nurse practitioner for an OB/GYN and he was also giving some great advice! These two people saved me and I am eternally grateful to them! Once I got off the phone with her, I knelt down, said another prayer, asked to keep Ezra safe, and went and took my 1st pill. This was the day before Christmas Eve. The 1st week that I took it, I felt like a zombie and was sooo tired! My Dr. suggested I take it at night, instead of the morning. So I did and after the 2nd week of taking it, I started FEELING normal. It was a weird feeling too. And to tell you the truth, it was hard at first, because I had been a certain way for 2 1/2 years, I had forgotten what normal felt like. After a month of taking Zoloft, I felt awesome! I wasn't overly happy or giddy all the time, but I was my normal self. I could feel happiness, and I could feel sadness. I wasn't up and down and all over the place. I wasn't crying all the time. I was just the old happy go lucky Brittney. Oh how thankful I was that I started taking it. I don't know what would've happened if I would've continued down the path I was on. So I continued to take my medicine every night and life was normal. I was able to finally be out of the deep dark hole that I was in for so long and because I was on level land again, I was able to start good healthy habits again. I started exercising on a regular basis. I was reading my scriptures every day and getting something from it, when before I wasn't... the words on the page were just there and had no meaning at all to me. I was playing with my kids a lot more and socializing again and wanting to be around people and not hiding in my house. For the last few months though, I've been praying about having another child and praying about taking my meds. And if I should still take it. Once I realized that we needed to try for another one soon, I knew it was time to stop taking my meds. It scared the heck out of me, but I knew it needed to be done. So for the last month, I've been weaning myself off of my Zoloft. It's been a tough month, but as of Monday night, I am done. And I've been crying a lot the last few days, but I think it's because I'm so tired and weak. I haven't slept because of the kids being sick this week and I'm anemic, so that just makes me feel weak. But it's all good. And sometimes I'm still scared, wondering if I really need to keep taking it, but I know since I have established good habits and if I keep them up, I will be ok.

Why am I telling you all of this? I know this seems like it's a very personal story, and it is. But I truly do not want any of my friends or family to ever go through the personal hell that I've gone through for those 2 1/2 years of my life. If I wasn't so stubborn, scared, naive, and misinformed, I would've been a better Wife, Mother, Friend, and Person. Life is so short and I'm sad that I can't take back that time. But, I am now moving forward and I just want to be able to help other's from making the same mistakes I did. If you have any questions about anything, just ask. Please know, you are not alone!