Fear Faith Forward

Well, in our church worship time, in which we call Sacrament Meeting, members are given the opportunity to give talks to the congregation about certain church related topics.  I was given the chance to give a talk on Faith in Jesus Christ.


I had an experience a few months ago that I shared in my talk.  This experience was a very personal one.  But I felt I needed to share it, even though it seemed like nothing to anyone else, but meant so much to me!


When Uriah was 8 months old, Jason and I decided that we would try for another one.  Now, before you freak out and think that's way to soon after a baby... we did it with each of our children... except after Sadee.  So we were very open and knew that if God wanted us another baby, then we would have one.  It was all good. Well, 6 months later, still no pregnancy. My rationale was, "Well, I am very busy and have a lot on my plate.  I need to get healthy and get my home in order.  It's all good."  After another 3 months and nothing, I was starting to get scared.  And then boom... I started getting "very sick" once a month.  To the point that I wasn't functioning and able to take care of my family or do my church calling.  And since I had endometriosis before I started having kids, the thought of it coming back scared the heck out of me! My scared feeling started turning to anger and frustration.  I was just like, "Heavenly Father, come on... this is a righteous desire... why can't I just get pregnant?" After a few months of "being sick" I was very upset and angry.  I was frustrated with my kids and husband.  I didn't want to socialize with anyone.  I started shutting down.  I was depressed.  I kept reading my scriptures and praying.... but they both felt so disconnected and I just wasn't feeling anything or learning anything.  I realized that the path I was going down, was not a good path, and I needed to change.  So I asked Heavenly Father for help.  A week or so later, I was asked to give a talk from our previous Bishopric on Faith in Jesus Christ.  I said yes and thought that I better start preparing for it, so I didn't look like a fool in front of 300 people.  So I started researching and reading every scripture story about faith that I could and I prayed like crazy to learn more about it and what to say in my talk.  Well, the Tuesday before I was supposed to give my talk, I was reading about faith.  And I just said in my mind, "Heavenly Father, why can't I just get pregnant?" And this amazing overwhelming feeling came over me.  A feeling of love, peace, and comfort. And it was like a feeling or voice that came into my head and it said, "Brittney, now is not the time." When I heard those words, and my anger, frustration, fear, and all the negative feelings I was having left my heart, mind and body.  It was in a matter of seconds!  I felt free as a bird!  I felt wonderful! The best I had felt in forever!  I even got up and started leaping around the room! And my beautiful 2 little boys started doing it with me.  I looked at them for the first time in months, loving them and just thinking they were my everything!  I realized from that point, that I was going to go forward and not look back!  Now isn't the time, and if it's supposed to happen, it definitely will! I know that now!  I have trust and faith in God's timing for me!  Now, I am trying to get healthy and I am trying to get our home in order.  And I am loving the time that I'm able to spend with my children. 


So, I shared this in my talk.  That when we have fear, we need to do everything we can to get rid of that fear and replace it with faith. Because really, who wants to be miserable in life? But how do we get faith while we are experiencing the storms in life and the doubt and anxiety are setting in?  Through studying our scriptures, praying, service and sacrifice, and being righteous. And receiving faith isn't a one time deal.  It's something that we have to always be working on.  It's all about line upon line, precept on precept. It takes time, but if we show diligence and hard work and show the Lord that we really have Faith in Him, then we will receive it and our doubts and fears and anger will go away! And once it's gone, we go forward and be diligent and be thankful!


After giving the talk, I had a ton of women come up to me and share their stories with me.  They were beautiful stories on faith and having children.  It made me feel ridiculous getting upset about me not getting pregnant in the year that we were trying.  One of my friends said she tried for 7 years, another said 12.  Another said 15.  And then there are people that have told me that they have some kids, but can't have more physically and really wanted a large family! And then you have the people that have gotten pregnant and then miscarried.  I have a friend that has had 5 miscarriages!  And some friends that have lost their babies far along into their pregnancies. Even friends that flat out can't have children of their own.  But what's so amazing, is how much faith all of these women really have!  I'm so thankful for them and their examples to me.  They are inspirations to me!


So of course I know this now and what to do when I'm experiencing fear, but am constantly working on it myself.  For example, today, I'm not feeling very well.  I worked so hard on our laundry situation and barely made a dent in it.  I started feeling that fear and frustration with the house, and I also started feeling it with my health.  Tonight, I had a nice little cry and got it all out and knew I would feel better once I typed this all out.  We are on month 13 now.... and I'm ok with everything, yet I feel it start to creep up on me sometimes that I'm not good with it.  It's a constant battle and it really is exhausting!  But I'm just trying to focus on the blessings I do have and enjoy them!


While I was going through all of that, I was having people left and right ask me if I was pregnant or if we want more.  Of course I wasn't going to tell them what was going on, because it hurt so much!  But I realized that they weren't trying to hurt my feelings, they were just curious and had good intentions to be there for me if I needed it.  So I'm not upset with any of them.  I do the same thing.  But I've learned to be soooo careful now about that stuff.  Sometimes I mess up, like tonight.  I asked a friend about her health and being able to have a baby, and she let me know she didn't want to talk about it.  My heart literally started hurting soooo bad for her!  I wanted to say all the positive stuff like, it will happen and just keep up the faith. But when people said things like that to me, I hated it!  So I just let her know if she ever wanted to talk about it, I'd be here to listen!


Well, life is hard! But, I know by having Faith in Jesus Christ, we can find peace and happiness and be able to handle and deal with anything that comes our way! FEAR FAITH FORWARD